Trying to Stay Calm While Everything Is on the Line

Welp. Today is the day. The day we finally get to tour the place we applied for and meet the guy who owns it. I woke up already tense, because trying to stay calm while everything is on the line feels nearly impossible right now.

Of course, it can’t just be a simple “show up and be ourselves” situation. My partner’s mom has turned it into a whole production. She’s telling us how to dress, what to wear, making my partner shave his beard, all of it. Like we’re auditioning for something instead of just trying to find a place to live.

Then came the part that really set me off. We were told the kids couldn’t come see the place because they’re “too loud” and she didn’t want them to make a bad impression.

Trying to Stay Calm While Everything Is on the Line

What the actual fuck.

The kids are going to live there too. Why wouldn’t they be allowed to see the place? If a landlord can’t handle a family with kids, which he already knew we had, why would he even invite us to tour it in the first place?

This isn’t about the landlord, though. This is about control. It always is. Even if we do end up getting this place, I already have a feeling my partner’s mom is going to keep trying to control how we do things, how we show up, and how we live our lives. I’m hoping I’m wrong, but experience tells me otherwise.

Still, I’m biting my tongue and pushing forward, because trying to stay calm while everything is on the line means choosing the bigger picture over my immediate frustration.

Therapy Was the One Place I Could Say It All

I had therapy yesterday, and honestly, I needed it more than usual.

I talked to my therapist about the anxiety I’m feeling living in this basement, the stress of the potential new place, and the job search that keeps going nowhere. I talked about the suicidal thoughts, the kind that show up when everything feels overwhelming, even though I wouldn’t act on them. I talked about how hard it was not being able to physically be there for my daughter’s birthday last week.

We talked about everything.

With this therapist, I genuinely feel like I can say whatever is on my mind without being judged or dismissed. That hour each week is the only time I don’t have to hold myself together for someone else. I can rant. I can cry. I can unload all the bullshit I’ve been carrying.

That freedom matters more than I realized.

Carrying Everyone Else While Swallowing My Own Feelings

What’s been getting to me lately is how little space I have to speak my truth at home.

If my partner wakes up pissed off and takes it out on everyone with a shitty attitude, that’s somehow acceptable. But the moment I’m having an off day, it’s too much. He doesn’t want to hear it. It turns into a problem. It’s toxic, even if I understand where it’s coming from.

Living in constant stress changes people. I know that. If I were in his shoes, I’d probably feel the same way. Still, that understanding doesn’t make it hurt less.

I’m hoping that once we finally get out of this place, we can find some sense of normal again. A version of life where he’s not waking up angry every day and I’m not swallowing everything just to keep the peace. Right now, all I can do is hope.

Small Wins Still Matter

Yesterday wasn’t all bad.

The toddler actually listened for most of the day, which felt like a miracle. I had a killer headache, so I spent a lot of the day on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, and she handled it better than expected.

The teenager got up on time for school and actually did her work. I didn’t even believe her until I checked myself. Seeing that gave me a little spark of hope that maybe she’s starting to find her footing again this semester.

Those small wins matter, especially on days like this.

A Birthday Wish I’m Afraid to Say Out Loud

My birthday is coming up on Saturday.

I don’t want gifts. I don’t want anything big. All I want is an answer. The greatest birthday present imaginable would be getting out of this basement and into our own place. I know that might be wishful thinking, but I can’t help hoping anyway.

So today, we tour the place. We meet the landlord. We smile, nod, and try not to say the wrong thing. And tomorrow, I’ll tell you all how it went.

For now, I’m just trying to stay calm while everything is on the line, even though my nerves are shot.

Question:

How do you keep yourself grounded when so much is riding on a single day?