Trying to Build a Life of Our Own Without Feeling Watched

We finally got internet yesterday, and I did not realize how much I missed it until it was back.

It sounds dramatic, but getting connected again felt like another small step toward trying to build a life of our own. Not in someone’s basement. Not under someone’s rules. Just… ours.

I caught up on Monday Night Raw. I watched a few episodes of Supernatural. The toddler got her Bluey back. During the day she mostly lets it run in the background while she tears through the house playing, narrating her own little world. But still, the familiarity of it playing in the living room made the place feel more settled.

More lived in.

The Reality of Trying to Build a Life of Our Own

Once the fun stuff was out of the way, I did what I’ve been meaning to do.

I opened Indeed. Then ZipRecruiter. And I searched what seemed like a never-ending list of job opportunities.

What I need feels almost impossible to find. I need something remote. Something flexible. Something that allows me to stop and start when my kids need me. Something that does not require phone calls, because my four year old does not possess the ability to be quiet long enough for professional conversations.

I found absolutely nothing that fits that reality.

It’s discouraging.

Not because I don’t want to work. I do. I want to contribute. I want to build something. I want to feel productive. But the options that exist don’t seem to account for moms who are fully present with their kids and still trying to create income.

So I pivoted.

When Progress Looks Like a Gaming Update

I logged into Battle.net and installed all my World of Warcraft updates. I’ve been excited about the new housing features since Christmas when I got the expansion and game time.

I imagined finally logging in. Exploring. Building something in a virtual world if nothing else.

But once everything finished updating… I didn’t even play.

Instead, I opened Steam and played Mall Simulator for a bit. Then I shifted gears again and started working on a ProBoards project.

ProBoards is a free service where you can build your own forum or message board. You can customize the theme, install plugins, even build your own extensions if you want to. And of course, my brain immediately went to building a Harry Potter roleplaying game.

Because apparently when I can’t find the life I want in job listings, I try to code it into existence.

Working on that theme felt productive. Creative. Like maybe this is part of trying to build a life of our own, even if it doesn’t look like a traditional job yet.

The Daily Drop Ins

His mom stopped by again to help with the internet.

We’re not used to 5G internet. That’s what she had at her house, so she was familiar with it. She also brought over random things she cleared out of her closet. Shampoo. Conditioner. Body wash. Bath bombs for the kids.

That part was kind.

Everything was fine until the rent demands came up again.

After she left, I realized something that made my stomach drop. She has been at our house every single day since we moved in. Every single day. And there is always a reason.

Something to drop off. Something to check. Something to fix. Something to discuss. And every time, the demands or guilt make an appearance.

She’s texting him at work too, so he’s in a bad mood almost daily now. We left her boyfriend’s basement to get away from the stress, the control, the constant oversight. And somehow it followed us here.

That’s not okay.

Yes, I asked her to come over for the internet. I couldn’t get it to connect and it was driving me insane. Turns out my keyboard, both external and built in, had certain letters glitching. It kept adding extra letters or not typing letters at all when I entered the password.

I thought I was losing my mind. Nothing like technology gaslighting you in your own house.

But the bigger issue isn’t internet setup. It’s that we are trying to build a life of our own, and it feels like someone is standing just outside the door, waiting to remind us we can’t possibly handle it.

We don’t want or need daily supervision.

We need space and independence. We want to build something that belongs to us without feeling watched 24/7 while we do it.

Question:

Have you ever tried to create independence in your own space, only to feel like someone kept hovering over it?