Trying to Hold It Together While Everything Is Uncertain

Right now, everything feels like it’s hanging in the balance, and I’m doing my best at holding it together in uncertainty. As of yesterday, we still hadn’t heard back about the place we’ve been waiting on. Today, that finally shifted, sort of. The landlord got back to my partner’s mom yesterday afternoon and said he wants to meet us tomorrow so we can tour the place and he can meet us in person before making a final decision.

So we’re not approved. We’re not denied. We’re just… waiting again.

At least this time there’s a plan attached to the waiting, but that doesn’t make it easier on my nerves.

Holding It Together in Uncertainty Comes With a Price

My partner just wants to move. He doesn’t care about seeing the place. He doesn’t care about first impressions. He wants out of the toxic environment we’ve been stuck in for months, and honestly, I don’t blame him.

The problem is that tomorrow is a weekday, he works nights, and waking him up early is going to be rough. He won’t be able to fall back asleep and nap before work, which means he’s going to be exhausted, irritable, and not thrilled for the rest of the day. I already know the attitude is coming.

Still, if this gets us one step closer to getting out of here, I’ll deal with the backfire. I always do. That’s part of holding it together in uncertainty, even when it costs me emotionally.

Therapy Is Helping, Even When I’m Afraid to Lean In

I have therapy this afternoon. I’ve been seeing the same therapist every week for the last two years, which feels rare and fragile in itself. I actually like him. He listens. He remembers things. He gives real, useful advice and has helped me develop healthier ways to cope with the constant stress in my life.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed myself pulling back just a little.

That’s a pattern for me. Every time I start to feel safe with a therapist, I brace for the moment they leave and I’m forced to start over from scratch with someone new. That fear sits quietly in the background and makes me hesitate to fully open up.

This week has been especially rough. My anxiety has been intense. My depression has been heavier. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, not ones I would act on, but the kind that show up when everything feels overwhelming and nonstop. I’ve been more irritable, more short-tempered, and more emotionally exhausted than usual.

I plan to tell my therapist all of that today. I already know most of it is situational. Our living situation. The constant arguing. The not knowing what’s going to happen next. All of it piles up when you’re holding it together in uncertainty for too long.

The Stress Is Affecting the Kids Too

Yesterday, the teenager didn’t get up for school. She missed the entire day. Honestly, I’m not even that mad about it. We were up late listening to the arguing upstairs, and we couldn’t leave or go anywhere because her dad was at work and had the car.

What really upset me was that the fighting woke up the toddler.

There is something deeply unsettling about watching a sleeping four-year-old get startled awake by grown adults yelling. It’s happening more often, and it shouldn’t be normal. No kid should live in an environment like this, and it breaks my heart that I can’t shield them from it the way I want to.

Why I’m Writing This Anyway

I know a blog on the internet probably isn’t the best place to unload all of this. But I need an outlet. Keeping everything bottled up has never worked for me, and pretending things are fine doesn’t make them better.

Writing here helps me process what’s happening. It gives all this stress somewhere to go. And maybe, over time, it will connect me with people who understand what it’s like to survive day after day while holding it together in uncertainty.

If nothing else, it reminds me that my voice still exists, even when everything else feels unstable.

Question:

How do you take care of yourself when you’re trying to hold it together and nothing feels certain yet?